I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
