I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
