"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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