When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
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