ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
