I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
