We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
