Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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