She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
