So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
where does the pee come out of this thing
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
