Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
well I can't set my house on fire every night
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Houston, we have a squirter
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
