All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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