One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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