I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
