The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
