We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
