I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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