By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Found your dick twin last night
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
