Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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