mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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