I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I just had sex on a roof
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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