Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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