I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
