1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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