Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Randomize
