Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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