dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
