I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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