i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Randomize
