a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
