I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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