No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
they're like a gay fantastic four
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
