Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I think my moral compass just broke
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
