I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
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we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
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Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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