Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
