i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Randomize
