Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I think your dad took our porno
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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