If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I would ride that face into the sunset
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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