yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I did not marry a roomba.
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