Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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