absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
