P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
