Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
