I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
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Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
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After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
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