You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
