If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
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