Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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