my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I just googled if crying burns calories
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
