You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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