I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Let's get the cat blown out
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
