there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
