Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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