Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
