you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
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